It’s been awhile Oh Blog of mine.
Life has been quite crazy, what with school starting and dating like some sort of crazed mad women. These past few months are leading me to some deep evaluation on what my worth is. I don’t like thinking about myself necessarily but I need to. Some shit has gone down.
I will be returning very shortly…for those of you left reading.
A stomach wrenching illness has seemed to consume me. I feel like utter shit. I will be back soon, so excuse my absence.
A thousand hits?
This deserves a most seductive story for tomorrow.
I have a hitlist and two new people have been entered: the babysitter and J.C. Chasez. I am now stuck babysitting my two younger brothers even though I just wanted to sleep in all day because I’m supposed to be partying from six a.m. on Saturday to six a.m. on Sunday and I don’t want to fall asleep at all during that time frame. And I would love to punch J.C. in the face because he is the second most ridiculous judge (besides Lil Mama) on America’s Best Dance Crew. I would have found out where he lived if he had criticized Super Crew last night. Horrible things would have been done to his body, the no dancing idiot. Dancing in embarrassing N’SYNC does not make you a qualified judge in anything. It just makes you lame as fuck.
I still can’t believe Will went home on So You Think You Can Dance. All of my votes will now be generously offered to the adorable cuteness that is Josh.
I’m determined to become skinny, skinny. Gym, five times a week starting next Monday and no more chocolate for awhile. Well, maybe a little. I get pretty pissy when I don’t have my chocolate. However when I’m motivated to do something, best believe I’m going to do it. I’ll lose fifty pounds in one week (I would like a bobble head if I lost 50 pounds). Watch me.
I need to start returning people’s phone call and stop being such an introvert. But damn, sometimes I just don’t like being bothered by people for a very long time. I can go without socializing for weeks.
I would love to see the Dark Knight again.
My nails are actually getting quite long and if I wanted, I could scratch someone’s eyes out. I can tear the wrapping off of the Arizona Ice Tea bottle without using a knife. And they look much better with nail polish.
I’m still debating on whether I should cut my hair. To be natural again would be some fly shit but I’m scared to take that first step. This is what my hair looks like now with the relaxer:
I really could kill the babysitter right now.
On that note, I’m extremely pissed off.
Please excuse my narcism. I like to relish in it.
I tend to go through phases of addictions, obsessions and unhealthy attention seeking deviant mannerisms. When I get into these moods where I become a single-minded psychopath, I can go for days without eating, talking or even realizing that I’m still on planet earth. My mother says she’s never seen anything like it before.
Writing: my original love. When I was younger, I bought ten notebooks and began writing ridiculous, juvenile stories of stupid teenagers having as much sex as possible and disgustingly violent scenes from watching American Psycho too many times. As of now, I have over twenty three hundred page notebooks filled with stories, rants, poems, hit lists and death threats. I still have to write everything out in a notebook (I don’t use loose leaf paper) before I type it up. I don’t know if this is a bad habit but I can’t seem to engage in a creative outpouring without smelling the lined paper first.
Drawing: this was the worse one. I didn’t eat for five days except for one square piece of dry bread because I was so obsessed with copying anime drawings from my brother’s comic books that nothing else seemed to be important. I was out of my fucking mind. However, I was proud of all the drawings I accomplished although my boyfriend at the time didn’t appreciate my disappearing ass (I never lose my boobs though O_o)
Aesop Rock: I hated his voice when I first listened to him and I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying. This all changed when I heard his voice in ‘No Regrets’ (Lucy was seven and wore a head of blue barrettes/city born into this world with no knowledge and no regrets). And then I became obsessed with him when I heard that sick ass instrumental beat for ‘Forest Crunk,’ which was followed by this:
Sign of the swine of the swarm
when a king is a whore
who complies and conforms
miles outside of the eye of the storm
with a siphon to lure out a prize and award
while avoiding the vile and bazaar
that is violence and war
true blue triumph is more!
Excuse me? How the hell do you come up with shit like that? You can’t. That’s raw. If you don’t know who I’m talking about…google him, my friend.
Sex: Ah…I haven’t really grown past this little antic. Little Miss Freak is what they call me!
Dancing: I always wanted to be a prima ballerina but the development of large breasts and hips pushed me off my naive road (but I have a six pack and monster calve muscles!) Whatever. I used to dance six times a week, three hours a day, five hours on Saturday, six on Sunday. I have horribly ugly feet because I didn’t mind sacrificing for my art and what did it get me? A nice body, yes, but as for my goals, I didn’t meet them, which is mainly my fault. However, I have made a new aspiration to audition for So You Think You Can Dance next year so please get your cell phones ready to vote for AmoreMe. I’ll be the next Sabra without the cute afro.
I stopped with the narration for a bit because I feel like who I actually am (besides my obvious sexual escapades) hasn’t been expressed…as well as I would like it. Being anonymous allows for me to write with a brutal, vulgar and angry honesty that I couldn’t express with my name for fear of judgement and my own self-examination (I’ll admit it). I couldn’t deal with that. You are allowed to judge me now though.
‘As soon as you turn eighteen, we gettin’ married, prettyface. You hear me?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘I don’t care what your parents say either. I’m gonna come by the crib, tell them who I am and we goin’ to our place. We gonna do it big for your eighteenth.’
I smiled, leaning over the table to steal a french fry off his plate. He dove forward and pecked me quickly on the lips.
‘You hear what I’m sayin’ ma?’
‘Yes baby. And I can’t wait until my birthday,’ I said, looking him straight in those pretty brown eyes of his. He was staring back at me intensely, one of his arms slung across an empty chair and his legs spread in that sexy ‘I don’t give a damn’ stance. I wanted to jump on him, right in the middle of Wendy’s.
‘I’m just makin’ sure that you listenin’ to me. I don’t want you backin’ out at the last minute cause you scared or something. I’m so serious about you. This is it for me. I don’t want no other girl, and I know no other girl could love me like you do.’
He suddenly sat up straight, wrapping his feet around my chair to pull me closer. I giggled, licking my lips as he leaned forward, raising his eyebrows a little.
‘And plus,’ he said in a low even tone, ‘can’t nobody put it down like you. I would kill a nigga over your pussy.’
I laughed but he didn’t even crack a smile (would he really kill someone?). So I leaned forward and kissed him deeply, ignoring the taste of the bacon cheeseburger on his breath. When I pulled away, his eyes were still closed.
‘You think I would ever leave that dick? I would fuck someone up in a minute and you know it.’
This time, he laughed, falling back in his seat, shaking his head. I ate another french fry, smirking a little.
‘What?’
‘I just know your lil ass is sprung on me. I told you I would make you my freak, remember?’
I shrugged, glancing at him teasingly as he crossed his arms over his chest. That big, muscular chest.
‘Remember?’ he pressed, grinning at me and I shrugged again, refusing to look at him now. He got up, grabbing a chair from another table to sit next to me. I turned away from him so that he could wrap his arms around my shoulders and put his lips against my ear.
‘You wanna play? I know you remember. Tell me you do,’ he whispered and I shivered as he ran his tongue along the outside of my ear. He felt me shake and moved in closer to me, hugging me so tightly that I could barely breathe.
‘You gonna say it?’
I shook my head slowly as he placed little kisses on my sensitive neck but he pulled away suddenly to stand up. I looked up at him as he walked towards the counter, saying something to the worker before they handed him a key. He didn’t glance back at me as he headed to the bathroom and I smiled. That motherfucker.
I got up, trying to remain incognito, although I’m sure no one really gave a shit. I glided my way over to the unisex bathroom. The door was open, just as I expected and I walked in to the unsanitary restroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
‘Baby this is disgust-‘ I began but I was cut off by his lips and he slammed me against the wall, almost angrily. I gasped, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly as he picked me up, his hands clutching my ass to hold me.
‘You gonna say it? Huh? Tell me baby!’ he whispered fiercely as I twisted my legs around the small of his back.
‘Make me,’ I growled and he grinned, pushing my skirt up so that my bare skin was touching the nasty bathroom wall. Eww.
‘Make you? You gettin’ full of yourself, lil girl. I wish I had a fucking condom with me. Shit!’
I pressed my lips against his to shut him up and he used one hand to push my thong to the side of my pussy. He slid one long finger inside of my growing wetness and I let out a moan. He rocked his hips against me roughly.
‘Quiet girl, you don’t wanna get us kicked out,’ he whispered and I smiled, shaking my head.
‘I don’t care,’ I breathed as he slid another finger inside and pumped them in and out of me, curving them a little so that his fingertips hit…that…spot. He pressed his mouth against mine to quiet my moans but I broke away, letting out a wail.
‘It feels so good, daddy!’ I cried and he widened his eyes, glancing behind him. I closed my eyes as his thumb touched my clit, rubbing it in circular motions. I convulsed a little and he gripped my ass a little tighter so that I wouldn’t fall to the floor.
‘Baby, please be quiet, they gonna hear you,’ he begged as I let out another satisfied moan. I gritted my teeth as his fingers began pushing in and out of me, harder, his thumb moving faster than I thought possible. And he expected me not to moan?
‘Babe, shut the fuck up!’
‘Fuck you. I can’t help it.’
‘I’m gonna stop fingerin’ you then.’
‘You better not. I swear to God-‘
‘-swear to God, what? Hush up. You ain’t finna do nothin’.’
His fingers tapped that…spot and I dug my nails into the back of his neck. This time I let out a little scream and he shook his head, glancing back at the door again.
‘Baby, please-‘
‘Excuse me, whoever is in the bathroom needs to come out immediately!’
We both looked at the door sharply before turning our eyes to each other. My mouth hung open, my heart beating fast for a completely different reason now.
‘Oh shit,’ I murmured as he put me down on the ground carefully. He licked his fingers before glaring at me to let me know that this was all my fault.
Three loud knocks pounded against the door and that stern voice seeped through the cracks once again.
‘Please, leave the bathroom immediately before we are forced to call the police.!’
I whimpered and grabbed his hand.
‘Baby what do we do? I whispered, panicking and he put a finger to his lips.
‘We’re gonna get out of this. Just follow my lead,’ he murmured and I nodded. ‘And I told you to shut the fuck up.’
‘Whatever.’
To be continued….
Once upon a time, I wanted to be an artist. Here’s some of my drawings below:
Maybe one day, I’ll pick up the drawing pencil again.
‘He’s in jail. For nine months cause of the scar on his face. Violated probation.’
I looked away, pinching my skin angrily to keep myself from saying something stupid like ‘does he miss me? Did he talk about me? Does he still care about me? Did he love me? Why didn’t he come for me? I was waiting!’ Instead, I took a deep breath and looked back at his brother. He was staring at me curiously.
‘Oh,’ was all I said and he shifted his weight towards me, his hands behind his back.
‘His lawyer was tellin’ him that he could go to court over you. He could be charged with rape and shit and be in jail for the rest of his life. It’s his third strike, you know.’
I felt like throwing up.
‘I know.’
He was smirking a little and my contacts became momentarily blurry. I wished the bus would hurry up and come so that I could find a seat far away from him.
‘He’s not mad at you though. He don’t think that you had anythin’ to do with those charges.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘Yeah, well, he figures it’s your moms, right? Your dad too.’
‘Yeah.’
There was an awkward pause and I crossed my arms more tightly as I felt him staring at me again.
‘You don’t wanna press charges, do you?’
‘No! If I knew it was gonna be like this, I would have never gone out with him. I didn’t know this shit was illegal, I’m gonna be eighteen next month! How can he be charged with rape when I consented?’ I cried, not being able to contain myself.
‘It don’t matter. You was still underage. And he was twenty-three. Shit’s illegal, shawty.’
‘I know it now.’
I wanted to add fucker on the end of that but I clenched my jaw instead and thanked the superior almighty for allowing the bus to arrive finally. I pulled out my bus pass and stepped away from him as I glared down at the oncoming vehicle to keep my eyes from watering unintentionally. I breathed again when the doors opened and I stepped inside, finding a seat near the back. I put my backpack next to me so he couldn’t sit next to me but it didn’t matter; he sat behind me instead.
‘So what are you doin’ after school today?’ he asked, leaning forward onto the back of my seat.
‘Catching the bus home.’
‘Do you think you can hang out with me after? So we can talk?’
I looked back at him and my eyebrows raised.
‘So we can talk about what?’
‘You know…shit. Stuff. What happened between you and him.’
That’s none of your fucking business I thought. But I just shrugged, turning back around slowly. I couldn’t make eye contact with him without feeling nauseous. We rode in silence for about ten minutes and I put in my iPod headphones, my mind congested with a headache of thoughts and secrets that were still fresh on my bosom. How could I forget when his brother was sitting right behind me, breathing shame and disgust and obvious awareness (of something I didn’t know) right onto my quivering shoulders? It only made me confused and angry, irritated and saddened, abused and entirely forgotten. He was supposed to come for me.
A tap on the shoulder dissolved the clouds from my thoughts. I turned around.
‘Here’s my number,’ he said, handing me a slip of paper with kindergarten scratch on it. I slipped it into my pocket without looking at it. ‘I want you to call me as soon as you get out of school. Understand?’
I nodded. He was staring at me again with those curious eyes and I turned back around. His breath tickled my ear before I could blink.
‘Do you have time to talk for a minute before you head off to school?’ he asked. Why couldn’t I be left alone?
‘I don’t-‘
‘-you do. I know the schedule you had with Ty, girl. Just a few minutes, that’s it.’
He was practically begging me. Maybe he had something to tell me about Ty.
‘Okay,’ I murmured without looking back at him and the bus lurched to a stop. We got up and he stayed close behind me as I stepped down into the transit center. I clutched my backpack as he stood next to me. I narrowed my eyes impatiently.
‘So-‘
‘-so. Let’s go this way.’
He began walking up the hill, away from where I needed to catch my second bus and I bit my lips uncertainly. I felt uneasy but I wanted to know more of what was going on with Ty, and I knew he could tell me. So I followed.
‘I’m not gonna take you far,’ he said, glancing back at me and my knees felt shaky. I didn’t know if I trusted him although he did promise that he would take care of me if anything happened to Ty. I followed him into a quiet street where the shops and cafes and bookstores hadn’t opened their doors yet. He had lit up a cigarette and turned down an alley. That’s when I stopped. He kept walking for a moment before he noticed I wasn’t following him and he spun around.
‘Where are you taking me? I asked, my voice sounding unintentionally scared and weak. He started walking towards me, puffing on his cigarette, a smirk on his face again.
‘I wanna give you something, prettyface.’ My bottom lip quivered and I felt like running at him so that I could dig my nails into those ugly brown eyes of his. How dare he.
‘Give me what?’
He continued walking towards me, his eyebrows raised.
‘What do you wanna give me?!’ I screamed, my fists clenched and he took two giant strides up to me so that could blow smoke in my face. He grinned.
‘I…want…to…fuck…you. And I don’t wanna have to force you either, girl,’ he whispered, kissing my cheek. I inhaled sharply and took a step back so that I could look him dead in the eyes. It took everything I had not to spit in his face.
‘You motherfucker. You are vermin. How dare you, how fucking dare you treat me like this?’ I asked evenly, and his lips parted a little as a frown appeared on his face.
‘If I ever see your face again,’ I continued, ‘I will kill you. I’ll stab you. I’ll take my father’s gun and shoot a hole in your fucking head. I’ll cut off your dick and stuff it down your throat before I slit it. How dare you! Don’t you ever come near me again.’ I spat at his feet. ‘Ever.’
His eyes had widened and his cigarette dangled between his fingers, about to drop onto the still damp ground. He was too much of a coward to say anything. I glared at him evenly, not even realizing that my face was wet with tears. I spun around on my heels and ran back towards the transit center, knocking into people without apologizing or even looking at them. I ran all the way to my bus stop, wanting to sob into the cement because all my wounds had just been ripped open once again and I didn’t know where I was supposed to go.
I reached inside my pocket to get the number that he had given me. I didn’t even look at it before I ripped and shredded it into a million little pieces, letting the scraps float out of my hands.
I didn’t go to school that day.
That could be me side-eying a man’s baby. Not having it!
I tend to be extremely blunt, although I don’t mind my man being the dominant one in the relationship. I prefer it. But when it comes to dating I wish had the ovaries (I’m a female so I don’t like saying balls) to just say what I want from the start, without wasting time trying and struggling to see where the other person stands. I have a few standards that I try to keep now that I’m back in the dating scene because I’ve had such horrendous, nightmarish, freakish dates that would leave your tongue dangling down to your bellybutton. Anyways, I try to look at my man as an equal. Therefore if I don’t have something, why should he?
1. I have a job: So he should have a job. If he’s in college like me, it doesn’t have to be a good one. In fact (if he’s real cool), he doesn’t even HAVE to have one if he’s getting that degree. But I always think that having your own money in your pocket makes you value it a bit more.
2. Good Looking: Well…I have to be attracted to him. And I would expect him to keep his appearance fresh too. No yellow teeth, extremely long nails, ashy skin, crusty lips or beer guts. I don’t really like going to they gym, but hell, I do it anyways. So keep it tight.
3. Intelligence: Can I have a conversation with you? Do you know whose running for president? (black man doesn’t count) Can you read and write? And most importantly, do you have common sense? Just because you’re in school doesn’t mean you’re necessarily smart. I know some people who haven’t gone to college and have turned out better than those who have. Book smarts isn’t everything!
4. No kids: I don’t have children. I dated a man with a daughter and the baby mama drama makes me cringe whenever I think about it now. I really don’t understand what is so difficult about using a condom or getting on birth control when you’re not planning or ready to have a pooping, crying and highly emotionally, unstable mini human being. I mean, do you a want a kid or is hittin’ it raw more important? If you’re 20 years old and have a child, I have sneaky feeling it probably wasn’t planned, especially if you weren’t married. Correct me if I’m wrong, because I am making generalizations.
These are my basic standards. I don’t think they’re too difficult although the last one seems to question my ethics all the time when I’m approached by a man who has it all together….but he has a child. Usually an extremely young one. I mean, should I completely count him out because he ended up in a situation with a living outcome that I may have to deal with later? Or should I brush it off and look at the positives that he’s doing in his life at that moment in time? I feel like the past shouldn’t define the person that you’ve become but a child is a part of your past that is carried into the present and must be considered for the future.
I guess the reason why this bothers me so much is that I’m selfish. I know that if he’s a good father (which he should be), I’m not going to be his first priority. If I come in between him and his child he would of course (and rightly so) choose his child over pitiful ole me. And what about the mother of his child? What if dude and I become serious and he brings the kid around me and I become like the child’s stepmom? What scares me too is that…if I do date a man with a child that he decides to introduce to me, I’m afraid of becoming attached. And if we break up…I lose two special relationships.
Anyways, I’m in this predicament now. Meeting beautiful, single, smart men who have a child. Sometimes even two! And who are 19 and 20 years old at that! I don’t know where I stand on my last standard because it’s objectionable, but I need to figure out my conclusion sooner rather than later.
I’m not very good at sticking to my word.
I’ll probably start a series of horrid dating stories.
‘Wait, wait, wait! Please! Damn!’
‘You can take it baby.’
‘No, no, I can’t! I really can’t!’
‘Yes you can. Watch.’ He grabbed my hips as tightly as he could, bent his knees and pushed his enormous dick inside of me without mercy. I grabbed the ladder’s rungs, my knuckles turning a bright white and I rose on my tiptoes, looking down at my shiny red shoes.
‘You’re a big girl now,’ he grunted and my head rolled backwards as he ran his fingers up my spine under my tank top. He moved in and out of me slowly until my thighs became damp with my own wetness and my body relaxed enough where I was able to come down from my ballerina like stance. I let out a moan. I had missed this for two weeks.
‘Are you a big girl?’ he asked, his lips next to my ear and I turned my head away from him so I could bury my forehead into my elbow. I could feel him in my stomach. I could barely take all of him.
‘Yes, I’m a big girl,’ I groaned and he pulled my hair, yanking my head back roughly.
‘Are you a big fucking girl? Huh?’
‘Yes I am! I am!’ I cried and his hand let go of my hair only to spank me as hard as he could. I rose back on my tiptoes again.
‘Oww!’ I screamed and he wrapped his arms around my stomach, placing gentle kisses on the back of my neck. I whimpered and turned my head so that I could kiss him . He met my lips and pushed his tongue into mine. He stopped his strokes momentarily, moving his hands down my thighs, flickering my clit before palming my ass.
‘Now,’ he began, sliding out of me which caused my knees to buckle momentarily. ‘You’re gonna ride me.’ He sat down on one of the cardboard boxes, his dick laying against his tatted up stomach. He put his arms behind his head, leaning against the wall of the garage and flexed his muscles. And the most amazing thing happened…his dick jumped! Off his stomach into midair before laying down again. I couldn’t take it.
I dropped to my knees and crawled on my hands and feet until I was in between his legs. Without using my fingers, I licked the length of it, up and down a few times, causing him to murmur and groan and call me his ‘big girl’ again. Before I could take him all the way in my mouth, he grabbed me under my arms and pulled me up so that I was sitting in his lap, my back towards him.
‘Ride me baby,’ he demanded and I stood up (yes I had to stand damn near all the way up) and I directed his dick into me slowly. I put my hands on either one of his thighs as I slid magically downwards. He put both his hands under my ass and helped me maneuver slowly until I was able to find my own rhythm. And once I did, he let me go.
‘Yeah baby, ride that dick, you like that, huh?’
‘Yes, yes, I do! Mmmm!’
‘What are you supposed to call me girl?’ he asked, spanking with all his force. I yelped like an injured puppy.
‘Ty!’ I moaned as he grabbed my hips roughly, slamming me down onto his dick each time. I couldn’t breathe.
‘You supposed to call me daddy. Don’t play with me,’ he growled and I looked back at him in time to see his hand raised to smack me again.
‘Daddy, please don’t hit me!’ I gasped. This satisfied him and he hugged me tightly, relaxing his punishing strokes and laying his cheek across my damp back. I wanted to collapse but he wouldn’t let me.
‘’I’m your daddy now, girl.’
Pause.
‘You hear me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yes what?’
‘Yes, daddy.’
‘Good girl. Now get on your hands and knees so that I can punish you from the back.’
Artistically inclined which can be a blessing and a curse. Believes that she isn't generic but probably is, which is...disappointing. 
